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Ramblings of a mother

Never have I been so conscious of my own shortcomings as I am now as a mother…to watch how I react every time I feel something. Then again, I think, by monitoring how I react, am I not killing my son’s spirit of spontaneity? While my lovely son has brought back the many delights of childhood in my adult life…the child in me longs for the freedom to be!

If I’m angry, I try not to show anger. If I am impatient over something, I try to be calm.  If I get a sudden fright, I try not to scream, lest I scare away the little one. If I get hurt, I do not howl, lest I’m teach my little one to howl every time he hurts himself. He is watching me at every step…every move I make becomes his role model to follow. Or adds to his confusion, because I am not perfect. But when I teach my kid, I teach him to be perfect. You should not cry over little things. You should not shout when angry or irritated. You should not run around when out. You should not hit someone just because they have annoyed you or taken your favourite toy before you could reach it! Etc. etc. etc… If my child goes to a shop and asks for things he likes, I tell him don’t pester. If he looks at things I know he likes and doesn’t ask for them he is suppressing his feelings because he has been taught not to pester.

I wonder why we lay so much stress on being good, doing the right thing, teaching the right behaviour? What happened to childlike spontaneity? Or is teaching behavior all about ingraining the childlike spontaneity with good reactions and actions?  What’s wrong, I say, with howling for 10 minutes when you hurt yourself? What’s wrong with hitting someone who has hit you? Oh! the confusion called motherhood.

At one end we teach our children to express freely, and in the same breath we teach them to monitor their feelings and not display extreme behavior. The balance between teaching good behavior and encouraging natural instinct is a fine line one needs to tread very carefully. The secret, I guess, is to guide and not teach or preach.  But who on earth has been able to unravel this secret?

 
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Posted by on November 29, 2012 in Daily Life, Feelings, Motherhood, People

 

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Being a Parent

I learned today the true meaning of being a parent…or maybe not. I’m also scared of what else this role of being a parent has in store for me. Because if this was not the worst…I shiver to think what else there is!

As a child I was very demanding…I needed my mom 24×7. When I woke up in the morning, when I came back from school, when I wanted to eat something, when I woke up from my afternoon nap, when I came back in the evening after play and when I went to bed at night…like I said 24×7! And she gave it all…she was there for me…and my two sisters. Today I am a mother myself, have my own set of challenges, priorities, needs, responsibilities and duties. And I find myself torn…torn between all of the above and giving my child what my mom gave me – her complete selfless devotion.

It is so difficult to find the right balance between loving and pampering, between suggesting and spoon feeding, between supporting and handholding. If I spend too much time with him he becomes too clingy, if I keep him away from myself I’m betraying his trust and letting him down. If I let him have his way I’m making him stubborn, if I’m firm with him I’m curbing his spirit.

A bird looks after her eggs till they hatch, feeds her little ones till they learn to fly and then forgets about them for the rest of her life…so do most of other animals and creatures in this world. Then why did God made us differently? Why did he not give us the strength to make our children independent and leave them to face the world on their own?

I hope I have the insight and understanding to give him everything he needs and yet teach him the value of what he has. For this I have to learn a few lessons like letting him go, letting him fall and pick himself up. I need to detach myself and play the role of a third person who is not his mom but a mentor, be firm yet kind, punish and reward at the same time.

I’m so scared!

 
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Posted by on April 16, 2010 in Daily Life, Feelings, Love

 

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The child in us!

Growing up is inevitable. As we grow we see a new life, meet new people, form new relationships while old relationships change. Our circle of life expands to include people who we sometimes conciously and sometimes unconciously select to take with us in our journey.

As grown ups we don’t jump in joy over a water bubble, as grown ups we don’t trail behind the toy train, as grown ups we don’t hit and get hit back by the Hit-me that’s double our size, as grown ups we don’t dance around the clapping joker.

 

While we add more and more people to our life we leave behind a very important person who was a part our very being. The one who made us laugh out loud without hesitation, the one who made us climb trees without fear, the one who made us cry without embarrassment. We grow apart from the one who shaped us into what we are today…the child in us.

 

But a chance encounter with this child can bring back so many memories, moist, bitter sweet memories that you never want to let go of that child again. I saw the child in my husband today.  

 

As he selected toys for our 1.5 year old son, I saw the child in him select all the toys that he wanted to buy so many years ago in that old toy store back in his home town. I could see the wonder in his eyes as he gazed with wonder at the dancing elephant, the colourful car, the giant Hit-Me and all the new toys. I could see his need to buy a train set that his dad had bought for him when he was just a child himself, and I could still see that joy on his face when he told me all about how the penguins ran up and down the tracks on a Penguin Race game.

 

I know he wants to give all that his dad gave him and much much more. I know he will be the best dad any child could ever have because I know he is still in touch with the child within.

 

tu479

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2009 in Daily Life, Family, Love

 

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Its a mom!

I am a mother…I have a son who is 1.5 year old. When my son was born everyone rejoiced…Its a boy! While i silently said to my self…its a mom! because the birth of a child is also the birth of a mother.

Day 1

Day 1

For the first 1-2 months all I could feel was the immense load of responsibility, lack of sleep, lack of peace, lack of space, pain in all parts of my body, fatigue …everything unpleasant. While I was happy to have a baby who was cuter than the word ‘cute’ could ever describe and more adorable than anyone could ever be, I was too consumed in the changes that he had brought in my life to notice that I was now a mother. As days passed by, and as I got adjusted to his demands and routine, I started to spend and actually enjoy sometime with him…but he was still just a cute baby who happened to be mine.

Siddhu

Then with time he started to learn to focus his gaze and I would find his gaze following me wherever I went. It was crazy I told myself, how could a 3-month old baby know I was his mother, I mean there were others who loved him equally his father, his grandmom and others. But the following continued. Then came a time when he started reaching out with his hands…touching my face…smiling, frowning, and then gradually laughing his tiny baby laugh…he was resopnding…not just to anyone…just me. He seemed to be saying, “I know you, you are my mother. We have a special bond.” I felt it then, slowly and steadily the feeling creeped in and it found home in the deepest part of my being – I was a mother.

I was made to realise this by my son, my tiny, cute baby who can still hardly say 3-4 words but can convey his love and complete trust with his simple getsures. I love the way he hugs me tight when I meet him after a gap of even a few hours, I love the way he runs to me when I open my arms to him, I love the way he snuggles up to me when he is sleepy, and I love the way he…I guess I love just every thing about him. He’s not just a cute baby anymore…he is my son!

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Posted by on June 25, 2009 in Family, Feelings, Love

 

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