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Category Archives: Feelings

Flight to Freedom

All parents come to a stage where they want their kids to become independent and yet when the little things start to flutter their wings we want to snatch them back and hide them under our wings. I had one of these moments last week when my 8 year old went for a five day nature camp – (read: five days without me!) I think the excitement he displayed  and the fear he showed was more for my benefit than any real anticipation.

 

It began with me making a list of things he would need during his camp…or let’s just say ‘things I thought he will need’. Most of the stuff I packed – raincoat (they had predicted rains!), socks, snacks, shampoo, etc. – came back  unused. I worried how he will pass the four-hour drive –  he made friends in the bus itself. I gave him tetra packs of milk – one for each morning – he had hot chocolate with his new friends. I worried he won’t get any sleep on a new bed – he slept all alone on his bunk bed and snuggled with one of the volunteers when he had a nightmare.

 

At first I was curious about his days there. Being so used to planning all his activities throughout the day, it was strange not knowing what he would be doing. I know I sound like a complete control freak!  I did not know what to do. Maybe I should have given him a bigger bag, maybe I should have packed some more snacks, maybe…so many things I should have done and had not done. Shocking stories one hears about older kids bullying young ones started plaguing  me the moment he was out of sight. I actually had a minor panic attack the day he left. My husband quietly held my hand and gave me the space I needed to let it wash over me. And then he told me it was going to be okay.

 

And you know what…it was okay. We survived! After the first day or two I was okay with not knowing what he was doing. I felt guilty about it. Maybe I should have been worried, sad, anxious, but I was not. Was I betraying my son by not feeling sad about him not being with me. I think not. Was I disappointed the camp had not called me once during the five days saying my son was missing me? Maybe a little ;-). My son came back all black and brown, with dirt under his finger nails and mud in his hair. But best thing he got with him was a huge smile on his elfin face!!! And that is priceless.

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Posted by on May 23, 2016 in Family, Feelings, Motherhood

 

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Ramblings of a mother

Never have I been so conscious of my own shortcomings as I am now as a mother…to watch how I react every time I feel something. Then again, I think, by monitoring how I react, am I not killing my son’s spirit of spontaneity? While my lovely son has brought back the many delights of childhood in my adult life…the child in me longs for the freedom to be!

If I’m angry, I try not to show anger. If I am impatient over something, I try to be calm.  If I get a sudden fright, I try not to scream, lest I scare away the little one. If I get hurt, I do not howl, lest I’m teach my little one to howl every time he hurts himself. He is watching me at every step…every move I make becomes his role model to follow. Or adds to his confusion, because I am not perfect. But when I teach my kid, I teach him to be perfect. You should not cry over little things. You should not shout when angry or irritated. You should not run around when out. You should not hit someone just because they have annoyed you or taken your favourite toy before you could reach it! Etc. etc. etc… If my child goes to a shop and asks for things he likes, I tell him don’t pester. If he looks at things I know he likes and doesn’t ask for them he is suppressing his feelings because he has been taught not to pester.

I wonder why we lay so much stress on being good, doing the right thing, teaching the right behaviour? What happened to childlike spontaneity? Or is teaching behavior all about ingraining the childlike spontaneity with good reactions and actions?  What’s wrong, I say, with howling for 10 minutes when you hurt yourself? What’s wrong with hitting someone who has hit you? Oh! the confusion called motherhood.

At one end we teach our children to express freely, and in the same breath we teach them to monitor their feelings and not display extreme behavior. The balance between teaching good behavior and encouraging natural instinct is a fine line one needs to tread very carefully. The secret, I guess, is to guide and not teach or preach.  But who on earth has been able to unravel this secret?

 
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Posted by on November 29, 2012 in Daily Life, Feelings, Motherhood, People

 

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Being a Parent

I learned today the true meaning of being a parent…or maybe not. I’m also scared of what else this role of being a parent has in store for me. Because if this was not the worst…I shiver to think what else there is!

As a child I was very demanding…I needed my mom 24×7. When I woke up in the morning, when I came back from school, when I wanted to eat something, when I woke up from my afternoon nap, when I came back in the evening after play and when I went to bed at night…like I said 24×7! And she gave it all…she was there for me…and my two sisters. Today I am a mother myself, have my own set of challenges, priorities, needs, responsibilities and duties. And I find myself torn…torn between all of the above and giving my child what my mom gave me – her complete selfless devotion.

It is so difficult to find the right balance between loving and pampering, between suggesting and spoon feeding, between supporting and handholding. If I spend too much time with him he becomes too clingy, if I keep him away from myself I’m betraying his trust and letting him down. If I let him have his way I’m making him stubborn, if I’m firm with him I’m curbing his spirit.

A bird looks after her eggs till they hatch, feeds her little ones till they learn to fly and then forgets about them for the rest of her life…so do most of other animals and creatures in this world. Then why did God made us differently? Why did he not give us the strength to make our children independent and leave them to face the world on their own?

I hope I have the insight and understanding to give him everything he needs and yet teach him the value of what he has. For this I have to learn a few lessons like letting him go, letting him fall and pick himself up. I need to detach myself and play the role of a third person who is not his mom but a mentor, be firm yet kind, punish and reward at the same time.

I’m so scared!

 
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Posted by on April 16, 2010 in Daily Life, Feelings, Love

 

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Entering a New Life!

I hardly remember enjoying the rituals during my wedding. There was too much happening at the same time for me to grasp anything. Everything is just a blur, especially the rituals where we just did as we were told. The whole family drama, the relatives, the preparations to welcome a new bride and the customes to make her feel comfortable were all lost on me then. I was too pre-occupied with my feelings about the changes it would bring in my life.

However, when recently my brother-in-law got married I got a chance to live my wedding one more time…and truely enjoy it this time! Having been close to both bride and groom, I got an insider view of the preparations on both side. As they went through the selection of different things to begin their new life I remembered having endless discussions with my then would-be husband about what all we should buy now and what all we will buy later – together…all the while taking advise from my sisters, mother and good friends. Then came the smallest of rituals which all hold some meaning to bless us and prepare us for the new life we are about to step into.

Watching them from the outside this time I could see it all in flashback. I could see myself as the excited bride, all decked up, following every ritual in earnest, clearly enjoying the attention :-)! I could see my husband looking handsome in his Sherwaani and smiling to the world at large (more to himself 😉 ). I saw us hunched up next the the holy fire during the Pheras listening devoutly to the Mantras being recited for us…but really hearing and understanding them now.

Then came the homecoming of the bride and the nervous excitment of my in-laws about making the new bride feel at home in the new household. I saw for the first time how they were all earnestly making an effort to put the best foot forward and welcome the new bride. I was taken back to my first few days in this new family every where small details had been taken into consideration to ensure a smooth ride for me. I was touched all over again as my mother-in-law made a list of all the things that should be kept in the new room to ensure she didnt have to ask for anything and remembered that I too had found everything ready for me. I remember how on the 2nd day my father-in-law had declared that now I would come before my husband in his consideration so I should never hesitate to come to him if I ever had a problem or complain about my husband.  Everything now made so much sense and brought tears in my eyes coz for the first time I could see my in-laws and my own parents.

A special mention goes to my elder sister-in-law. Having come to the family first she had survived in a household totally unprepared for a girl’s presence. Her suggestion to my mother-in-law to make certain arrangements to make us more comfortable were not lost on me. I understood that she was trying to give us everything she had to arrange for herself. Having benefitted from her thoughtfullness I took an active part in making the preparations to welcome our newest family member.

I am now much more a part of this family than I ever was. I now know that a groom’s family is just as excited, nervous and eager to include a new member in their family and their life as the bride is. I feel I am very lucky to have found not just the perfect husband but also the perfect family to spend the rest of my life with!

 
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Posted by on March 8, 2010 in Family, Feelings, Memories

 

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What is love?

Today I ask the eternal question

Please don’t answer without reflection

For it is different for each I know

Though cupid uses same arrow ‘n bow

Some say it is giving, or letting go

Love has only friends, knows no foe

To some it is forever a mystery

For some it is related to chemistry

What makes it happen no one knows

When hearts grow fonder, the feeling grows

 

When I found love, or when love found me

It consumed me, pampered me, tricked n cajoled me

Took me to heights I’d never known before

Excited me, challenged me, thrilled me to the core

I had no choice but to surrender

To a feeling so beautiful n so tender

I know I’m lucky to be blessed

Coz for some it’s a forever quest

 

But never give up on love, I’d say

Coz it will find you, on a bright, beautiful day

Your world will never be the same again

Love has no place for sorrow or pain

It’ll touch you when you’re least aware

Fill you with a warmth, oh! so rare

Just follow its lead, go with the flow

The secret is in giving control, letting go

red-rose

 
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Posted by on August 7, 2009 in Feelings, Love

 

Main writer to nahi…

These are good times. People can write as much as they want and there are people who read it too. You don’t really need to be a professional writer or have any expertise in writing to do so, all you need to do is write direct dil se! 🙂 This is the age of Blogging!

Blogs have given us non-writers the freedom to let our thoughts flow…un-restricted. I am one such amature to whom the blogging era has been kind. It has given wings to my thougts, an outlet to my inner cravings. It’s somethign like writing a diary that we used to do in the good old days. It acts more like a friend with whom I share anything and everything that comes to my mind, anything that catches my fancy, anything that makes me angry. It need not be the best peice of literature.

I used to worry how my pieces would be taken, I mean, why should anyone be interested in reading anything that I write, I’m not a professional writer, afterall. But the blogging world took me by surprise. I was pleasantly surprised by the open and accepting attitude of most fellow bloggers and other readers. They took me in, laughed with me, shared with me and very soon made me one of them.  I made some new friends, who are now on my blogroll and who I exchange notes with.

Thanks for taking me in guys! 🙂

 
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Posted by on July 15, 2009 in Feelings, friends

 

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Farewell…my dear friend!

Goodbye my sweet ol’ Indica

I’ll miss u, u were my dear car

We traversed many landscapes together

Made memories that I loved to gather

You took me, my mate

To my first office gate

S’mtimes you broke down

Under the pressure of a big town

But never once did you wail

When your feet injured with that nail

When I left home in search of my freedom

You came with me, you left me seldom

You took in and cared for my new family

Like you had found your own finally

As you leave me today

I have no wards to say

Coz we have such a past

That memories will always last

My friend, I bid you good bye

And wish u always fly

Like you did when I first met you

I’ll remember that and always miss you

Mine was a nice gold Indica

Mine was a nice gold Indica

 
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Posted by on July 8, 2009 in Daily Life, Feelings