Being a Parent

I learned today the true meaning of being a parent…or maybe not. I’m also scared of what else this role of being a parent has in store for me. Because if this was not the worst…I shiver to think what else there is!

As a child I was very demanding…I needed my mom 24×7. When I woke up in the morning, when I came back from school, when I wanted to eat something, when I woke up from my afternoon nap, when I came back in the evening after play and when I went to bed at night…like I said 24×7! And she gave it all…she was there for me…and my two sisters. Today I am a mother myself, have my own set of challenges, priorities, needs, responsibilities and duties. And I find myself torn…torn between all of the above and giving my child what my mom gave me – her complete selfless devotion.

It is so difficult to find the right balance between loving and pampering, between suggesting and spoon feeding, between supporting and handholding. If I spend too much time with him he becomes too clingy, if I keep him away from myself I’m betraying his trust and letting him down. If I let him have his way I’m making him stubborn, if I’m firm with him I’m curbing his spirit.

A bird looks after her eggs till they hatch, feeds her little ones till they learn to fly and then forgets about them for the rest of her life…so do most of other animals and creatures in this world. Then why did God made us differently? Why did he not give us the strength to make our children independent and leave them to face the world on their own?

I hope I have the insight and understanding to give him everything he needs and yet teach him the value of what he has. For this I have to learn a few lessons like letting him go, letting him fall and pick himself up. I need to detach myself and play the role of a third person who is not his mom but a mentor, be firm yet kind, punish and reward at the same time.

I’m so scared!

 

Entering a New Life!

I hardly remember enjoying the rituals during my wedding. There was too much happening at the same time for me to grasp anything. Everything is just a blur, especially the rituals where we just did as we were told. The whole family drama, the relatives, the preparations to welcome a new bride and the customes to make her feel comfortable were all lost on me then. I was too pre-occupied with my feelings about the changes it would bring in my life.

However, when recently my brother-in-law got married I got a chance to live my wedding one more time…and truely enjoy it this time! Having been close to both bride and groom, I got an insider view of the preparations on both side. As they went through the selection of different things to begin their new life I remembered having endless discussions with my then would-be husband about what all we should buy now and what all we will buy later – together…all the while taking advise from my sisters, mother and good friends. Then came the smallest of rituals which all hold some meaning to bless us and prepare us for the new life we are about to step into.

Watching them from the outside this time I could see it all in flashback. I could see myself as the excited bride, all decked up, following every ritual in earnest, clearly enjoying the attention ! I could see my husband looking handsome in his Sherwaani and smiling to the world at large (more to himself ). I saw us hunched up next the the holy fire during the Pheras listening devoutly to the Mantras being recited for us…but really hearing and understanding them now.

Then came the homecoming of the bride and the nervous excitment of my in-laws about making the new bride feel at home in the new household. I saw for the first time how they were all earnestly making an effort to put the best foot forward and welcome the new bride. I was taken back to my first few days in this new family every where small details had been taken into consideration to ensure a smooth ride for me. I was touched all over again as my mother-in-law made a list of all the things that should be kept in the new room to ensure she didnt have to ask for anything and remembered that I too had found everything ready for me. I remember how on the 2nd day my father-in-law had declared that now I would come before my husband in his consideration so I should never hesitate to come to him if I ever had a problem or complain about my husband.  Everything now made so much sense and brought tears in my eyes coz for the first time I could see my in-laws and my own parents.

A special mention goes to my elder sister-in-law. Having come to the family first she had survived in a household totally unprepared for a girl’s presence. Her suggestion to my mother-in-law to make certain arrangements to make us more comfortable were not lost on me. I understood that she was trying to give us everything she had to arrange for herself. Having benefitted from her thoughtfullness I took an active part in making the preparations to welcome our newest family member.

I am now much more a part of this family than I ever was. I now know that a groom’s family is just as excited, nervous and eager to include a new member in their family and their life as the bride is. I feel I am very lucky to have found not just the perfect husband but also the perfect family to spend the rest of my life with!

 

What is love?

Today I ask the eternal question

Please don’t answer without reflection

For it is different for each I know

Though cupid uses same arrow ‘n bow

Some say it is giving, or letting go

Love has only friends, knows no foe

To some it is forever a mystery

For some it is related to chemistry

What makes it happen no one knows

When hearts grow fonder, the feeling grows

 

When I found love, or when love found me

It consumed me, pampered me, tricked n cajoled me

Took me to heights I’d never known before

Excited me, challenged me, thrilled me to the core

I had no choice but to surrender

To a feeling so beautiful n so tender

I know I’m lucky to be blessed

Coz for some it’s a forever quest

 

But never give up on love, I’d say

Coz it will find you, on a bright, beautiful day

Your world will never be the same again

Love has no place for sorrow or pain

It’ll touch you when you’re least aware

Fill you with a warmth, oh! so rare

Just follow its lead, go with the flow

The secret is in giving control, letting go

 

Main writer to nahi…

These are good times. People can write as much as they want and there are people who read it too. You don’t really need to be a professional writer or have any expertise in writing to do so, all you need to do is write direct dil se! This is the age of Blogging!

Blogs have given us non-writers the freedom to let our thoughts flow…un-restricted. I am one such amature to whom the blogging era has been kind. It has given wings to my thougts, an outlet to my inner cravings. It’s somethign like writing a diary that we used to do in the good old days. It acts more like a friend with whom I share anything and everything that comes to my mind, anything that catches my fancy, anything that makes me angry. It need not be the best peice of literature.

I used to worry how my pieces would be taken, I mean, why should anyone be interested in reading anything that I write, I’m not a professional writer, afterall. But the blogging world took me by surprise. I was pleasantly surprised by the open and accepting attitude of most fellow bloggers and other readers. They took me in, laughed with me, shared with me and very soon made me one of them.  I made some new friends, who are now on my blogroll and who I exchange notes with.

Thanks for taking me in guys!

 

Farewell…my dear friend!

Goodbye my sweet ol’ Indica

I’ll miss u, u were my dear car

We traversed many landscapes together

Made memories that I loved to gather

You took me, my mate

To my first office gate

S’mtimes you broke down

Under the pressure of a big town

But never once did you wail

When your feet injured with that nail

When I left home in search of my freedom

You came with me, you left me seldom

You took in and cared for my new family

Like you had found your own finally

As you leave me today

I have no wards to say

Coz we have such a past

That memories will always last

My friend, I bid you good bye

And wish u always fly

Like you did when I first met you

I’ll remember that and always miss you

Mine was a nice gold Indica

 

When the going gets tough…the tough gets going!

I had heard the phrase long time back, when I was in school . It was a song by the group New Kids on the Block. I wasn’t sure what it meant and for a long time never really paid any attention to it.

 

 As I grew up, I went to college, graduated and did my PG. Before I could finish my PG course I had secured a position in one of the best PR agencies in the city. I was on a high! I was flying…it couldn’t get better. I was just 22 and already had a head start in my career, my life, while many others in my batch were still struggling to decide what to do in life. I was earning a decent amount to take care of all my pocket expenses and some more, I had a family who was always there to support me – my parents, my sisters. I had no reason to complain. Life was good…not that I appreciated it much then :-)

 

Now I’m married, I have a small family of my own comprising of three people – my husband, myself and our one and a half year old son. My new roles are that of a wife, a mother and a team leader. Life has taken a new meaning for me. Being the youngest at home I never had to bother about anything in the house, I mean it…I did zilch to contribute. Today I have responsibilities that I could never think of. Now I’m not saying that I am the only one who has responsibilities or that I have a tough life…what I am saying is that I had never for once in my life prepared myself for the adjustments, sacrifices, hardships.

 

Yesterday I happened to switch on the radio on my way back from office and I was greeted with the song of my schooldays “When the going gets tough…the tough get going…” and this time I knew what it meant. I knew that when life presents you with difficult situations, it’s a test for you to prove what you are made of. So, I made a silent resolve to myself.

 

“I hereby resolve to face my responsibilities and duties with a smile. I resolve to be the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister, the friend and the leader that my near and dear ones deserve. I resolve to be the strength, the inspiration, the ray of hope that I have been looking for. I have taken enough from the world and now its time to give some back.”

 

Its a mom!

I am a mother…I have a son who is 1.5 year old. When my son was born everyone rejoiced…Its a boy! While i silently said to my self…its a mom! because the birth of a child is also the birth of a mother.

Day 1

For the first 1-2 months all I could feel was the immense load of responsibility, lack of sleep, lack of peace, lack of space, pain in all parts of my body, fatigue …everything unpleasant. While I was happy to have a baby who was cuter than the word ‘cute’ could ever describe and more adorable than anyone could ever be, I was too consumed in the changes that he had brought in my life to notice that I was now a mother. As days passed by, and as I got adjusted to his demands and routine, I started to spend and actually enjoy sometime with him…but he was still just a cute baby who happened to be mine.

Then with time he started to learn to focus his gaze and I would find his gaze following me wherever I went. It was crazy I told myself, how could a 3-month old baby know I was his mother, I mean there were others who loved him equally his father, his grandmom and others. But the following continued. Then came a time when he started reaching out with his hands…touching my face…smiling, frowning, and then gradually laughing his tiny baby laugh…he was resopnding…not just to anyone…just me. He seemed to be saying, “I know you, you are my mother. We have a special bond.” I felt it then, slowly and steadily the feeling creeped in and it found home in the deepest part of my being – I was a mother.

I was made to realise this by my son, my tiny, cute baby who can still hardly say 3-4 words but can convey his love and complete trust with his simple getsures. I love the way he hugs me tight when I meet him after a gap of even a few hours, I love the way he runs to me when I open my arms to him, I love the way he snuggles up to me when he is sleepy, and I love the way he…I guess I love just every thing about him. He’s not just a cute baby anymore…he is my son!

 

Purani Jeans…

Today I feel like going down the lanes of my Delhi university campous. I still remember how the beautiful and evergreen campus comes alive during this season. I have spent 3 beautiful monsoons there and can never forget the beautiful walks down the campus lanes in the season. I remember my first year. The colleges had just started (they start usually around July 15th) right in the middle of the rainy season. We would sit in the college campus under those huge trees that speard themselves tall & wide, have hot tea from the canteen and spend hours chatting, talking, watching people and doing basically nothing!  This was the first time I was enjoying the rainy season…

 

We would go visiting our friends in other colleges which are never more than a pleasant walk apart from one another. I loved to walk down to my bus stop outside the Khalsa college…which was quite a long walk (from Hansraj to Khalsa). I would have my regular stops in between – the D-school chaiwalla, the Law Faculty chaiwalla, the aloo-chaat walla, the ice-cream walla outside Miranda College…It would take me nearly an hour to reach my bus stop.  I remember climbing on trees in D-school and there was one in Hansraj, behind the photostat guy…which I climbed on with my friends from the dram-soc while our scripts were getting xeroxed. That’s where I wuld climb and tease my then boyfriend (now my husband) who would be sitting in his class trying hard to concentrate

 

I remember my first outstation trip with friends…it was to IIT Kanpur for their annual festival – Antragini. It was just awesome…3 days of complete freedom for the first time in my life and I enjoyed every moment of it…not to mention the festival itself too and I felt that nothing could top this…but that was before my visit to BITTS Pilani. I went there in my 2nd year.

 

Those 5 days in Pilani were like being on a different planet altogether…a planet where only the youth resided, a planet that had no parents, no deadlines, no assignments, no restrictions…it was a heady mix of fun, freedom and youth!!! I had some of the most memorable times there…ones that I am not likely to forgte in this lifetime.

 

3rd year dawned with the usual uncertainity about studies, careers, friednships, relationships. Preparing for MBA entrance, coz everyone seemd to be doing so…not that i cleared any, applying to various PG colleges, talking to seniors, professors, anyone who could give us some guidance about what should be the best course to follow. The uncertainity was too much. Then came the bittersweet memories of parting with friends, partying hard together one last time so that the memories never fade, the goodbyes and promises to keep in touch. I was sad coz I was losing a lot of my friends, excited coz I was curious what life had in store for me, wary coz I was not sure if the path I had chose was the right one for me…but I knew I’d be fine coz I had learned to take care of myself.

 

Its been 7 years since that last day. Today I have a family of my own, a promising job (my chosen path turned out to be the right one for me), a good bunch of those old pals who I am still in touch with. When I look back now, I know I will never forget those days…they are tucked soundly in my memories for ready reference whenever I feel like visiting those lanes again…

 

Freezing a moment in time…

I had one of the most wonderful experiences this weekend. One that i want to freeze in time so that it never grows old, never fades.

 

After a long wait I enjoyed my first monsoon shower…and the settiing was just perfect. I couldn’t have asked for a better layout. There I was swinging merrily on a giganttic swing in a lavish verandah, my eyes closed, the cool cool breeze bringing in mild showers from the beautiful rain outside…the exotic smell of wet earth filling my senses, and the lush greenery totally enveloping me in a fragrant embrace!!!!! WOWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

 

To make the picture complete, I was with some of my closets family people…who for a change I happen to really like and have a good time with. Growing up in a nuclear family I never really knew the little joys of a joint family, of cousins, and aunts and uncles…I was so completely unaware of these things that I never even missed these things, coz i had never known them. Now I have a large family, we still have our own nuclear set-ups in different cities. Yet are so closely knit through the unconditional love that my husband and his brothers share between them that the distances don’t stand a chance.

 

Coming back to my beautiful rainy afternoon, while i sat on the swing and soaked in the freshness, I could hear voices of the three brothers and my sister-in-law chatting away happily, my neices sitting on my either side humming in their baby voices. Their voices mingled with the sound of rain added to the peaceful picture and gave me a feeling so intense that it gave me goose bumps. I felt a strong gush of completness for being a part of such a loving family.

Now I’m back to Mumbai and am sitting in an air conditioned room becuase the rain gods have still not bestowed thier blessing upon us But everytime i close my eyes I am taken back to that amazing moment in time…that perfect moment that I have frozen forever.

 

My Son Goes to School … sniff

My son had his first day at play school today.  He clutched to his papa’s hands as he led him up the 2 li’l steps to his new school. I could see the uncertainity…and the excitment…or maybe its just my overworked imagination. I mean, c’mon, how can he know its his ‘first day at school’?

I bought a new bottle for him (which he did not use) and a new dress ( he will get his new kiddie uniform in about a week’s time), have to buy a new bag and tiffin box…will do it today.

 

The teacher said he was sensational, said he had a lot of fun and played with everyone, wiped the tears of other kids who were crying and her final verdict – ‘He will mix up very well and very soon’. I’m so proud!!! sniff sniff!

I was a hit!

When i took him inside the play area where other kids were gathered, he didnt cry immediately. However, there was another child who was quite distressed and was crying a lot so other kids also started getting nervous and crying (including Sidhu ).

Crying baby with his new teacher

Then we had to leave coz the teacher said they will never settle down till we are there so we left to come back at 11.30 to pick him up. I came back home while my husband went to office. At 11 my husband called and reminded me, all my friends called and pinged me on g-talk, twitter and phone to remind me to go pick him up (thanks guys ).

 

I reached early (obviously) and had to wait outside. At 11.30 the teacher opened the door and there he was…my baby, looking uncertainly what was happening and the instant he saw me his face lit up for a fraction of a second and then crumpled up as he started crying and reaching out to me. I scooped him up and hugged him close! I could not believe he had successfully finished his first day at school with no disasters.

 

Now I can’t wait for tomorrow when I can take him to his new freinds again…